Three years later....

It's been so long...

I haven't blogged for years. Its not so much of a thing today as it had been three years ago. I but I promised that I would journal more part of my journaling processes. So, here I am.

Jay and I was talking about our kids and their futures. We mostly talked about Dunder aka my Dylan. How he has always had his goals since he was 2 years old. We know he is going to be in the Navy since he has the Navy flag hung up in his room....But on the most honest side he is still just a little dude. We shall see.

Jay and I just know that we wish for our kiddos to have the best life they could ever have. We literally live for our kids.Its just a fact of life. 

We are both working on a project with our kids when it comes time for them to graduate. I hope it works out.

xoxox

mom

Reflections.

So I am going to post a very long blog and I don't excpect anyone to read it except for the people that it would truly mean anything to. I may or may not mention names. But if I do it is in no way slander. It is just my thoughts and feelings and I want you to know that this is how I feel.

Do you know what it's like to have your world completely turned upside down? I do. I have had my world completely turned upside down many many many times. But this time, I know it was because my Faith in God has grown so much more than I could ever imagine. This is a test for me. and I will pass. I have passed.

It has been laid on my heart to publicly speak my feelings and or apologize for things I've said and done. I on't have to and maybe people will see it as inappropriate but this is the only way I know how....Since I am not involved with many of you but I know you come to my page. (and its okay)

1) My apology to my Mommy.
Mom,

Ya know, being a Mother myself I can totally understand where you were coming from when you said some things you said. Like..."Wait till you have kids of your own.." that is a pretty common one. So I totally accept that.

Mom I know that you aren't proud of the Mom you once were to us. I know that if you could turn back time you would do things differently. But the fact is that you can't. The good thing that has came out of your shortcomings is that I can be the Mommy you know now you should have been. This is not a stab at you Mom. I mean this in the best way possible. I promise.  You are trying very hard now and even though I know that we still fight over things, you are being awesome.

The one thing I can say is you are being a very nice Grandmother to my kids. I know you want to be closer to them and I am so happy you make it to their games and school functions when you are not working. I will never use the fact that you are working against you. Considering I am the one who always pushed for you to have a job, that would be unfair.

One thing I would like to mention Momma, is even though you practice your Christianity differently that I do, I do appreciate that you gave me that foundation. I know what God is about and I do know who God is for that matter. THAT IS AN ACCOMPLISHMENT IN ITSELF. God did use you Mom. He did....And He always will.

No matter the mistakes you have made or how much we may fight about this, that, and the other...You are my Mommy. I will love you forever.


To people I have hurt,

I am not going to make this something extensive because I know there's a lot of things that could be covered. I also do not want to admit 100% fault of things. But I do know that theres been things that I have said or done to people who I love. Or once thought I loved....That wasn't right. I should say that I don't want to admitt but it's because I don't have to. I know that I am not the only person in the wrong. The way I chose to respond to ended friendships or relationships was wrong.

First of all, I still feel for those who I am no longer friends with. But much like everyone, there's two sides to every story. My story was bad and the things I said and did was WRONG AND VERY unchrsitian like. and for that I am sorry.

There's one person who perceives me as her mortal enemy and I want to say to her I don't think of you the same way. I just wish you didn't think I was the one who did these crazy things to you. The only thing I did was sit on the side lines. Wishing you the best. Perhaps being happy when you were sad, and that is something that is disgusting and I am sorry for that. But there were things I was accused of that I didn't do. I swear, that was someone else. and the only reason why I know about it, is because I was told.

Now I'm sure I said things that was mean. I was wrong. I am sorry.


To my previous relationships with men,

I have to give God all the glory with Alexanders Father. I was 15 when I had him and I raised him all on my own. I figured that he would go away forever and that all of the horrible things he said about me would go away. But they did not. In fact, when he came back into Alex's life for the third time I had wished so many horrible things upon him.

I want to apologize for that. IN FACT....I have never heard a horrible thing come out of his mouth for the past 6 years. Stephen has been a tremendous human being in Alexanders life and in mine for that matter. Of course he'snot this model Father who tries to pretend that he is just God's greatest gift to all Fathers and he never pressures Alexander to do anything he doesn't want to do.

No, Stephen wasn't there for Alexanders growing up life and he may never be the one to teach him how to do things.....But right now I know that Steve is doing the best he can and I will always always always appreciate that. I know that Alexander loves him. I also know that I sure do love him for doing his best. Of course never romantically. We were kids then. But now because as a Christian I love. I can't help it. I just do.

Steve, keep it going. you are doing great.

and Susan, thank you for being such a great (almost) Step Mother.

I have so much more to say but its' getting let.

I just wanted to thank God for wrapping me in his loving arms.

Being that parent....*language*

Often when you're in a blended family you find that the "residential parent" aka the person who does EVERYTHING...is the bad guy. The person that when they bend over backwards, it gets overlooked.

SO MUCH I hear..."Oh honey, just wait until their older, they'll know who was there for them and who wasn't.

But while we are getting beat down and ridiculed by our ex husband/wife for being such a bitch/asshole or them making up some stupid ass story they made up in their mind....I'm doing the job of two parents that do not give a flying fiddle about anything but their visiting hours and child support.

I don't ever want to bitch about child support because I think it's tacky and I think it makes us look like money hungry jerk offs. But seriously, I'm not a money hungry jerk off. The majority of my income goes on my children. Except for today, the 145.00 I spent on my sons for some of their birthday presents at ShopKo, I bought myself some contour....

Tonight I felt like a worthless Mother. Tonight I felt like I couldn't do a freaking thing right. My eldest son threw the biggest fit in the world because his former Step Father who he has not had a close relationship with for two years...(another story, another blog).....Took his twin brother/sister to Chuck-E-Cheese. Alexander almost being 12 I would think wouldn't give a rats ass, but apparently does. MIND YOU....My husband an
d I took the kids to Pizza hut and ALSO I had just bought the shit to make 42 cookies for the Valentines Day dance tomorrow for his JR. High dance.

But low and behold he acts like super brat complaining about how he thinks it's shit he doesn't get to do the fun things Miley and Aiden get to do.

Let me break it down for you without trying to look like a money hungry jerk.

1) Our entire tax refund went twords helping pay off credit card bills to help pay for the six months of not recieving child support from my ex husband from 2014-2015 years of him not paying child support. While he just spoils the kids with random shit in the month of February and nothing else through the year. Or the fact we NEVER get anything worth a shit from any parents through out the year even if we ask. It's all about them. We can't afford it. We're going to lose our home. But there's no problem with going out to eat, or to a bar, or anything. But Apparently, I'm not supposed to complain about these things because it makes the other parents get their poor feelings hurt because I'm talking shit about them. The sad fact is, the people that show our ex's my status or my blogs are people that know that I'm right. But they feel this sense of....Satisfaction...They've talked so much shit about their family members it's unreal. But to show that they're not the fake pieces of shit they are....They run to that family member and say.."LOOK AT WHAT NIKKI SAID TODAY."

((((NEWSFLASH)))) I WOULD SAY THIS AND HAVE SAID THIS TO THEIR FACES. THEY DO NOT NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THEIR SHORTCOMINGS...THEY KNOW ABOUT THEIR SHORTCOMINGS...NUMBER ONE THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT SOME OF THEM AND NUMBER TWO THEY PROBABLY REALLY JUST CAN'T HELP IT....So, instead of being a gossping dick head, just read my shit and move on with your miserable boring lives and leave your siblings, friend, niece, daughter, son....ALONE------This is MY rant and MY rant wont change how things are. In other words, Fuck off and leave me and your family member or friend alone. NOTHING will change. I will still be the backbone of these childrens lives and that WILL NOT change.

2) My eldest son is an ungrateful butthole and I am sick and tired of him asking for money and him thinking that he is entitled to said money.

I don't even know where I'm going with this one now. Im just done. I'm so done. So done.

Time...Where have you gone?

Not many people blog anymore...At least I don't think.

I live under a rock when it comes to what people do or don't do. So if this isn't a thing anymore at least it's something that I can let my thoughts out. 

I've been so consumed with my life for so long that I don't even take the time sometimes to let my brain talk about what I want to talk about. 

I have some of the very best supporters in my life. Number one is my Husband....He pretty much rocks at keeping me on my toes I wouldn't be able to get through life without him.... Secondly my friend Rob. I've known him since I was really young and we recently (about 4 months ago) started to talk and share stories, thoughts, and he really had been my rock. 

I have to tell you that I'm having a hard time with my eldest son turning 12 next week. Seriously.....Twelve...The preteen age....The age before the dooms day age. I've never felt so old. The fact is, I'm not old....I am going to 28 shortly after my dear son Alexander turns 12. I knew the day would come when I was older that I would feel so uncomfortable with having an older son. That day is now. Even some of his friends saw that he was messaging me on his cellphone (facebook messanger which I am always stalking) and asked if I was his GIRLFRIEND. What?! Apparently they thought I was a high school girl that he was dating. I was kind of flattered and kind of like..Uh..NO.

Then we move onto the fact that Gavin my very last born ever ever will be five nex week and then Dylan will be seven. I keep thinking about when I found out I was pregnant with Gavin and then when he was born having my tubes tied, knowing he would be my last. Then I keep thinking about Dylan being born, holding his little self, then my husband taking care of him all on his own at 9 months old and me helping....

Time is going by way too fast. My brother is 18 ready to turn 19, my sister Alyssa just turned 20, and my littlest sister turned 16. Time...Time.....Where have you gone? 

That's all I've got.

xxxo

Nik

The Chaos.

The Chaos.

Be it morning or afternoon it's inevitable that there's chaos in my home. Most days I just deal with it like a boss....But then day's like today, I'm ready to just walk away.


NICOLE SKY'S LIST OF REASONS WHY SHE NEEDS A VACATION:

1) The major temper tantrums in the morning. You would think that after the five millionth time that I told my children if they PUT THEIR SHOES IN THE BIN AT THE DOOR, that they wouldn't have to try to find one..ONE...shoe every morning and have a melt down. Dylan and Aiden are notorious for this.

Or the major melt down when my daughter doesn't want me to brush her hair.

Or how my Eldest son doesn't want to walk to school because he's "too tired."

2) Getting into the car everyone has assigned spots. For whatever reason in this world Dylan or Aiden cannot figure this out. I don't know why they try to switch seats, I don't know why they fight about it, I don't even know why it's a big freaking deal. We are going like five blocks away! Why is so hard to just get into the suburban, buckle, and we can leave!

3) We have a rule on the days that the kids do not go visit their other parents (for the kids that do)  you come home, you eat your snack, you do your homework, then your chore, then free time (unless we have sports practice)....Again, for whatever reason in this world the kids fight with each other about their chores as if it's any of the others business how well they are doing their chore...They whine, complain, and scream about all of it. Why is it so hard to comprehend that they're not going to get out of their daily routine by stalling?! If you shut up and just do what you're supposed to..MORE FREE TIME YAY! and less time I have to yell.

and last....

4) As much as I LOVE JackSepticEye & Markiplier.....I am SO SICK AND TIRED OF WATCHING THEM EVERY SINGLE DAY. I don't think I'll ever have to play a single video game in my life because I can just already know what's going to happen watching other people play video games.




AS much as I am complaining today...I do love the kids. I just get tired sometimes. I need a Margarita and peace and quiet.

Why you gotta be so rude?

My children instantly put me in a horrible mood when I picked them up from school today. They were having trouble following through with doing their home work and chores. So that put me in even worse of a mood.

By the time I dropped Alex off at football practice and Dylan, Aiden,  Miley, And Joey off at Bible quizzing.....I started to feel better. I had thought about buying the kids ice cream and telling them we can start our moods over...etc etc.

That was until I got a God awful report from my friends at the church that my kids, with the exception of Dylan, we're bad...And had to be put in time out.

If I were a cartoon, I am certain that to illustrate my anger I would have steam coming from my ears.

After ripping into the kids for fifteen minutes about acting rude to me but to people at your church?! So I drove my happy butt to the store and bought ice cream for the children who were behaved and grounded the children from anything fun until tomorrow evening.

They cried and pleaded, but this Mom did NOT budge.


They have a chance to redeem themselves and have some ice cream tomorrow...But to add insult to injury the ones who behaved will get MORE ice cream.


And then when I thought to myself if I allow my kids to be rude to me....I am leaving the door open for them to be horrible to others. I have got to put my foot down more. I am not going to raise disrespectful jerks.


*sigh*

Until next time...

Liar liar pants on fire.

Being a blended family you always encounter problems with your ex husband or ex wife. Especially when there's children involved and you have a new significant other.

Lately my kids have been lying so much about certain things. It's upsetting me.

My daughter just recently lied about her Dad's wife stating that Miley isn't allowed to do Cheer leading this year because her daughter can't and she's tired of her daughter being left out. Well I certainly wasn't going allow that to happen. Her daughter doesn't even go to our schools for one and for two I wasn't going to allow my ex husbands wife to dictate what my daughter does.

It turns out my daughter lied about the whole entire thing!

I have thought about telling Miley she can't do cheer leading now. But I can't bring myself to it. But she really needs to have a sit down when her Dad's wife isn't watching every move I make.

There's been other stupid things that our kids have lied about. Another instance, tonight I sent my son Joe to his Moms for the weekend. He has ball practice tonight so I told him that he could just go to the practice in his cleats and I will bring his shoes. For whatever reason in this world, he told his Mother that I told him that he isn't allowed to take his school shoes over to her house. I don't know why he would say that, that was never mentioned.

I know that having six kids in the home and having some of them go see their Mom or Dad for their visits....They sometimes feel like they *have* to have the drama to make it normal...Perhaps because there's been drama for so long they feel they have to. I don't know.

But I literally want to explode...Every...Single...Time.


I don't know. I just felt like venting. Until next time......